well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
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