OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize
