her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
