no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
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