The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
