i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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