How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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