I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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