I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Randomize
