i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
