I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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