The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
