I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
