I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
