my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
