I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
