chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
