You made me cry and you don't even care
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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