and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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