i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
