I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
