I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
