you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Randomize
