I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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