I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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