never play flip cup with pint glasses
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
this is an emotional support booty call
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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