She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
