Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
We smell like vodka and hangover
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