ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
