I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
