FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
