Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
