my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
How does it feel to date your dad?
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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