I can tuck mytits in my pants
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Randomize
