There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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