It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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