I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
