Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
i've created a new STD.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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