you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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