they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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