I just saw a hot homeless man
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
