Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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