I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
