so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
