nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
