I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
