i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
