Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
