what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
