im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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