I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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