This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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