Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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