Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
